The Big Donor Baby Questions

autumn

I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not to write and publish this post. But here goes …

About a year ago, after Mr. Boyfriend and I had been trying for a baby for more than a year, we discovered that he was sterile and that there was nothing to do about it. We had no problem deciding to go ahead and use a donor, but with it came a ton of questions …

Do we choose an open or an anonymous donor?
When and how do we tell the child about the donor?
How will the child react?
How will it feel as a teenager?
How many times will we have to deal with people who are against fertility treatment?
Will it be weird when people say the child looks like me, but not Mr. Boyfriend?
Will it be awkward when they say the child looks like Mr. Boyfriend?
Would it be easier if none of us were a biological parent?
Should we adopt instead?
What if the donor has a really big deformed nose?
What makes a parent?
What does a biological parent matter?
If we want more children, should we use the same donor?
How will we react if and when the child wants contact with the donor?
How do we prepare the child for the risk of disappointment?
How do we prepare ourselves for contact with the donor?
Should we get a donor with a Bachelor’s degree or a Master’s degree?
Why are there only well-educated donors?
Seriously, where are all the starving artists?
Why aren’t gay men allowed to be donors?
Should I donate some eggs in return?

We’ve pretty much found answers to all the questions. What matters is that we want to be a family, and that there will be no secrets, no taboos. And we’ll love the shit out of the lil’ one.

18 thoughts on “The Big Donor Baby Questions

  1. Det er som summen af laster af konstant, det er bare indholdet der ændre sig!

    Alle har issues. Hvor meget man end vil prøve at beskytte sine børn, så har vi alle end bagage der gør os til os. Og det er med til at præge vores børn. Så jeres pige skal nok finde noget at have issues om. Bare vent 😉

    Er sikker på at det bliver fantastisk – både barnet, jer som forældre og jeres familie.

    • Åh ja, der skal nok komme masser af issues, men der er ingen grund til at hælde flere oveni, så det er vigtigt, at man tænker sig godt om. Al forskning viser fx, at donorbørn, der først får det at vide i en sen alder kan få problemer, mens donorbørn, der får klar besked fra starten trives normalt.

      • Det er altid noget andet når man står i det. Kender flere pædagoger der svor til at de ikke ville lave de fejl som de syntes de så forældre lave. Men da de så selv fik børn røg de i med begge ben, og lavede præcis de samme fejl.

        Det er jo at mærke efter hvad der er det rigtige for ens familie.

        • Vi skal nok komme til at lave en masse fejl. Det er jo en del af livet – og så længe bare de store ting som tryghed, kærlighed, tillid osv. er i orden, så skal det nok gå 🙂

  2. Thank you for sharing. There are so many questions to the topic, but I think the most important thing, is that both of you agreed to go ahead and do it. There will be plenty of time and opportunities to deal with the questions later. You are both very brave, and I can´t wait to see “Mini” – I have already named her, but I won´t write it here, what if I was right 😉

    • Thank you so much, Anja. We’ll just help her as much as we can if she ever feels weird about it.

      I’m really looking forward to hear what you’ve guessed as a name! All I can say is that there is a literary reference. And that there are two names – and the second name hasn’t been approved yet. Keep guessing 😉

  3. Det giver helt klart en del andre spørgsmål end hvis I begge var biologiske forældre – men det vigtigste er jo, at det er jeres barn og at I gerne vil have det. Kan forstå, I ved, det bliver en lille pige – herligt 🙂 Det er umuligt at forberede sig på alle de spørgsmål, der kan dukke op – det gælder vist alle forældre – så hvis I kan give jer selv lidt plads og rum til at tage det hele som det efterhånden kommer, så skal I nok udvikle jer til de bedste forældre for jeres barn og finde ud af, hvad der er det rigtige at gøre i situationen 🙂

    • Ja, det er svært at forberede sig på – især når man læser rundt omkring på diverse fora. Men jeg tror, at vi er nogenlunde enige og afklarede med de største spørgsmål. Og ellers må vi – som du siger – tage det lidt hen ad vejen 🙂

  4. Ja det er godt at være enige om de store ting.

    Og så er det godt at huske at I kender jeres barn bedst, så stol på jeres egen mavefornemmelse.

  5. My mom was adopted along with her sister (who has different biological parents), but prior to that my grandparents had considered a sperm donor (cutting edge in the 1950s). I don’t think it really matters how or why the baby comes about- love is the most important part, and you’ve clearly got that. 🙂
    Good luck with your baby!
    ~Litha Nelle

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